Silence is coveted by many yet misunderstood by most. It has magic unrivaled and it can sooth as an evening snowfall. Yet when it's called upon to ride uncertainty, a resounding torture is what you'll have summonsed. There will be many answers lurking in the shadows here at the oasis of tranquility and chaos. Yet you may fear not for your safety, for it's merely hide and seek the answers play. You must however fear their deception. For its missteps here that will entice the demons, who also roam these wastelands of silence, disguised as questions.
Hi it's me, the narcissistic, overly flamboyant, bag of insecurities back from the dead.
Maybe you hadn't noticed but I've been on somewhat of a hiatus. It's nothing serious, I just was asked to take a little journey. I went on a tiny adventure that included some life altering, soul searching expeditions in a far away place. While there I was forced to search for answers to life's questions.
I must tell you that I am living proof of being careful what you wish for because clarity comes with a hefty price tag, let me tell ya.
What happened you ask? Where did I go? Well, I went to "Hell" I think or "Writer's Block", I'm not really sure. It was a little place tucked way back in the nether regions of a bigger place commonly known as "My Imagination". I'm now, for creative purposes, referring to this place as my "Silence".
I was forced to visit this place because I had lost my way. That's my literary way of saying I had lost my confidence. So I took a break. At first it wasn't by choice but after suffering through some miserable writing sessions, where I concluded I was either tapped out or having regular strokes, I decided it was time. So I went to a place that has not been kind in the past, I went to my thoughts. I went to my "Silence".
Now I'm sure everyone has their own version of "Silence" but I think it's safe to say that they all serve the same purpose. That is; to show us who or what we are becoming and to offer us choices in the form of pathways. It’s kind of like Monty Hall and Let's Make a Deal. Just be careful of the Bikini clad fat man sitting atop the Jackass behind door number two.
Obviously this is not the first time that I have visited my thoughts; I mean everyone hits the cranial eight-ball from time to time. Up until now though, I don't think I ever got it. I can't say I really get it now but I do believe I know why we go there. I believe it’s our job to make sure that we visit "Silence", form time to time, so as to not become complaisant. Chris Rock said it best; "If it ain't new, it's through"! Of course, he was referring to sex.
What's mine like, you ask? Well, if I had to describe it, I would say my "Silence" is more like Mordor than the Shire. There are hints of beauty and pleasant life but for the most part it's fiery and volcanic. It's choc full of flying demons, old ladies who crave young man-flesh, muscular men doing the electric slide, clowns, ventriloquists and of course... leprechauns. At the very least it's Middle Earth like.
My guess is that if I liked making decisions about life a little more and I worried about things a little less, my "Silence" would be more of a pleasant place to visit. Shoot, if I wasn't the enemy of my own thoughts, I might even be able to find more of those all illusive answers we so desperately seek when going there. Instead, I just keep bumping into those nomadic questions; pale creatures that don tattered cloaks and walk in dirty sandals; never pleasant, they are hunchbacked and require walking sticks. You know what else?...questions never look you in the eye either.
Damn, I just realized something, I worry too much! (There's a news flash) Oh my God my wife says that to me all the time! I guess it's true, I mean just look at my "Silence". It's like a traveling sideshow form the medieval times with a splash of the 80's. There can be no question as to why I went into a deep block.
Well what do you know; it looks like I'm writing a revelation piece. I guess I'd better change my shoes, put on the cardigan and find a different mask.
OK here goes: I get really nervous really easy. There, I said it! And in case you hadn't noticed, I lack confidence and I also worry too damn much! Oh my............. this is extremely liberating...
Hey, you know what else? I'm heavily into preventative maintenance! So much so that I'm thoroughly convinced most people are sadistic! Oooh Damn, I feel cleansed... Let me shout some more!
I exfoliate!...... (Is this guy for real?) Wow, I could go all day! I also resist change! Woo Hoo!
While we're at it, I can see through most people, sniff out a rat, tell you how it's going to end and I fear that most everyone has a personal agenda! So shoot me!
Wow, it's all coming to me! This latest visit to my "Silence" has been like hanging out in a fluorescent lit bathroom with a thousand mirrors. I've been shown, from all sides, that I am a horrifically insecure underachieving worry wart who over reacts. Ouch! All of this because of writer's block? And how about that mirror angle from behind?....yuck! Is my ass really that high up on my back?
Loading the gun now....... and........ BOOM!
Can it be true, has my over reacting, due to excessive worrying, made me a negative person, even though it was beyond my control?
I understand some folks, namely my wife, try to see to it that I'm not over stressing myself and believe me when I say that I don't want to over stress them either. I just can't help it when stuff pops into my head and my brain starts creating a nurturing environment fit for worrying; a penthouse suite if you will; a luxury getaway built for panic, worthy of anxiety's royalty.
Is it so unhealthy for me to have suffered from full on, heart palpitating, gut wrenching and thunderous flatulence producing nervousness? I always thought I was fine unless it got to the point of violent convulsions, mild seizures and uncontrollable vomiting. That I could understand being dangerous to my health.
OK hang on, you don't have to call the psych ward just yet. I don't want you to get me ALL wrong. I'm not one of those goofs who has their children wearing helmets during hopscotch or while playing Wii. I'm just a bit of a worry wart; a little bit of an uptight soldier of ADD/OCD.
Hmm.... (Long pause for effect)
OK So I suffer from prehallucinogenic jitters from time to time. So I've got the nervous stomach. So I just might worry a little more than is deemed acceptable by the United States Food and Drug Administration. So the thought of attending my twenty year high school reunion has me on the verge of violent dry heaves. There, are you happy?
Is there something that can be done to alleviate these occasional blips on the worry radar? I mean other than fighting through fire, brimstone and soulless vagabonds in an imaginary place of mystical sorcery. Do I really need to visit my "Silence" every time I need a pick-me-up or to feel safe? It's hard locating peace in a place where my self image suffers lacerations from mythical creatures that seem to enjoy their free stay at the Ritz Carlton Gary.
Maybe there's a handout at the elementary school or a leaflet at the local library that provides directional relief? How about an energy drink? I'm quite certain there is one of those dedicated to this disorder. On second thought, I'm not sold on those cockamamie modern day fairy tale potions anyway.
How about web sites? Na, forget it! With my luck I'll type in "Nervousness" and be taken directly to a pair of huge breasts that belong to "Nervousness", the West Indian sex-cam queen.
There is medication you say? I'll be honest, that scares the hell out of me. See I've always told myself that I would never need chemical intervention because I know who I am and I'm very comfortable with my self diagnosis. I've even told myself that all of this clarity, the fog I've been squinting through for the past three years, is me on the path to a cure.
Hey, I'm suddenly reminded of an old cliché that I've never heard until I just googled "famous clichés". It's by Plato himself so I'm sure it's worth reading. It says: "An unexamined life is not worth living." I like it. I'm going to adopt it as my inspirational motto.
You know what, forget all of the remedies, if Plato said it, it must be worth sticking to. I think I'll just see about booking the occasional visit to "Silence". It really wasn't that bad you know, and if I'm being totally honest, I felt strangely at home there.
