One for all ages

I did something recently that I haven't done in a very long time. Call it laziness, call it maturation, or call it what you will but this lapse in good judgment has proven costly to me.

I can tell you this though, with what I have just finished, I believe I've set things straight. I think what I have done here will set the standard, for many adults in need, for a long time to come.  What I did was, I composed a list letter to Santa Clause. Yep, I dug deep and sent a letter to the big man himself.

No, I'm not a religious man, as I have said many times, but like most folks, when presented with a challenge and in times of great need, I ask for help, and I usually look up when doing so.  Well you know what?... I don't want to look up any more. From now on I'm going to look north!

The way I see it, prayers get answered maybe once in a lifetime but Santa, that's a once a year deal.

My letter which was mailed this Tuesday past reads as follows:



Dear Santa,

Hi, it's me Gary. How's the Mrs? Doing well I trust? How about you? Are you keeping yourself out of trouble and out of that Gentleman's Club? Speaking of which, Desirae Lay asks about you from time to time.

Me?, I'm doing pretty good. Kids are well, wife is great, blah blah blah. Alright look, enough of the pleasantries, lets get to the real reason for my correspondence.

Santa, I need a couple of things and I need them fast! Now I know it's been about 30 years since my last letter but I'm desperate. I have a list for you this year like no other. It does contain some intangibles but if anyone can make it happen, you can.

See, I have made some fantastic changes in my life in the past two years, thanks to a friend of a friend, but there are a few hiccups left, bumps in the road, pimples on the ass, turds in the punch bowl that I would like to take care of. Clearing these minor blemishes, I believe, would help me put the finishing touches on my metamorphosis.

If you could see to it that my list of requests could be gifted, I think the world would be a much more pleasant place to live. Santa, I know this list is early, it's just that I can't stress enough how important these things are to me. Thank you very much my friend, good night, god bless. Happy Holidays.

Gary


Here is my list complete with explanation:


Can you please dial back my anger just a bit?-Anger gives birth to irrational behavior and idiotic remarks, does it not? How come I know this but I can't seem to stop it? No joke, the littlest things set me off and it's crazy.

I swear I'm trying real hard though. I tell myself all the time before situations arise to stay cool the next time one does present itself.

This list request is extremely important ya hear! A marriage, some drywall, a few phalanges, a couple of small animals, some unsuspecting tail gaiters, possible prison time and a cardiac organ depend on this one. This ranks #1 on my list. Lives could be at stake here dude, see what you can do.

Could you ease my OCD-I swear to god Santa if I gotta check one more thing before bed at night I might lose it. I just added the circuit box last week, had a spot in my electrical check list to fill.

Sockets, switches, under beds, windows, doors, in closets, storage rooms and the furnace room. When is it gonna end? I'm about one item check away from having to do the Macarena in my foyer before turning in for the night.

Furthermore I'm quite certain my neighbors don't want me checking shit out in THEIR bedrooms at two in the morning because I've run out of stuff to check here in my OWN home, so please!

This ranks #2 on my list. My sanity and my freedom from incarceration for breaking and entering is at stake. See what you can do.

OK, So that is gonna take care of the really deep personal stuff for now. The rest of the things on my list are things throughout the year I took notice of or just had thoughts about; they are things that I love, am interested in, completely hate, or would just like to see changed or implemented if you will.

For instance:


-In my lifetime I would like to see at least one Bushman of the Kalahari make Anchor-man.


-Perhaps an entire NBA team made up of Cameroonian Pygmies?


-Santa there are a few people in my work life I would like to see swallowed whole by an anaconda.


-And will you have my love handles return home to my lats please?


-Do you think you could inform Carrot Top that the muscles did not help?


-How about a brain for these idiot morons you hear about who keep large wild animals as their house pets. How come they're always surprised when they find out the animal strolled over to Stanly and Jeanette's house during the Wheel of Fortune and tore them a couple of new asses.


-I would like to be fluent with the movements of the forbidden dance.


-If I never have the heart stopping shock of sitting on a cold damp seat less toilet again I'll be happy.


-Would you please have God put in a call to the Chick-fil-A people to tell them that it's ok to be open on Sundays.


-Keep this one on the down-low Santa. I would really love a pair of those ultra revealing tights that the male ballet dancers wear.


-And I'm going to need a mega bulge to go with those tights!


-Here is something I would like to see you do away with; that little slip you have every now and then while walking on the ice. The one where your lead foot shoots forward about 3 or 4 inches only, but afterwards your lower back and groin feel like you've just had the living shit beaten out of you by four Himalayan Yeti with tire irons.


-And I think I need an explanation as to why when people violently sneeze and it's accompanied by a fart, why they don't release a 120 mph shit.


-Could you make it so that every night around nine-thirty my wife has an overwhelming desire to shed all clothing and take me.......no matter where we are.


-And just once, after having a fantastically intimate conversation with someone I've just met at a party, I would like to be able to go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and not find an entire head of spinach in my teeth.


-With winter coming, I'm gonna need you to warm up the hands and feet of my wife. My back muscles can't handle it when I have to arch like a gymnast to avoid her icy touch at three in the morning. And Some nights I have to hold a mirror under her nose cuz I think she might actually be dead.


-This is not a gift request it's just a passing thought I had:  Don't trapeze artists do the funniest walk ever when they are leaving the safety net.


-Three words Santa........Unbreakable dental floss!!!  Why does it feel so horrible when a little piece gets stuck between two molars? 


-I don't know about you but I could do without the whole Clown/Mime thing. Fuckers just flat out give me the creeps!


-CAN WE STOP THE PERIODICALLY HORRIFYING NEWS STORIES AT SIX PM SANTA! I'm eating dinner with my children and I have to hear that Jonathon Richard Goodguy stabbed his ninety-eight year old mother six thousand times with the black pickup stick???!!! Great!!!

I'm now to understand that this was done in an attempt to perforate her so that when he pulled her skin off to make a birthday present for his ninety-four year old step dad, the one who used to beat him with road kill, that he could laugh at the ripping sound??? Nice!!!

That kind of a story doesn't sit well with a nine year old, three year old, grilled chicken, and mac-n-cheese, you know!

Besides, that story is always sandwiched between two tongue in cheek feel goods like; Snuffles the dog who saved three gay squirrels that fell through the ice while gathering winter sustenance AND Bob Turk giving a thirteen salute to Ethel the one hundred and four year old halfway house pianist who teaches old testament hymns to over weight limbless seniors who are catatonically frozen with their mouths open. Absolutely no need to watch the news at dinner time!


-And for goodness sake can you get some teeth for these creatures interviewed on the news at the crime scenes who just happen to witness.......EVERYTHING! I swear to god one guy had only one tooth and it was one of the wisdoms. Now how is he chewing?


-I would really appreciate it, if everything that was healthy for me didn't have to taste like ass.


-Speaking of ass.....Any way to lessen the intensity of my children's toots?


-Could you please open a few more registers at the Walmart checkout please! I'm not in line for concert tickets for Christ's sake!


-AND CAN I GET A GOD DAMN SHOPPING CART THAT DOESN'T WOBBLE!!!???



Well there you have it. I have lots more Christmas wishes where those came from but at the moment these are the ones I felt most strongly about. Furthermore I don't want to appear greedy. (or nuts!) My best to the Mrs and the little shits.


Gary

Come on, it'll make ya feel good!

Oy Vey! The pressure you can put on yourself to come up with something interesting and funny for people to read is exhausting. This is the possible career path I have chosen to chase? My head feels like it's being compressed on all sides as my skull has partnered itself with me in a futile attempt to extract ideas from a brain gone dry, milking it of any and all blogger fodder. Not to mention the residual affects of said exhaustion.

Case in point, this past Thursday alone I almost needed treatment for nausea, depression, IBS, anxiety, dehydration, insomnia, typhoid, chronic fatigue syndrome and Ebola. The Tuesday before that, it was dysentery, hives, the mumps, the plague, color blindness, tampering with evidence, manipulating an imbecile, and possible alcohol poisoning.

This writing crap is taxing. A visit to the emergency room for I.V. nourishment was in fact almost necessary for I do not wish to have my immune system compromised. You see, in these trying times, without lamb's blood, we are all subject to this years onslaught of seasonal, yet monstrous illnesses.

You've caught the news lately right? The way I see it, at any moment a pyramid of dancing influenzas will be doing it's best thriller routine down my street raping and pillaging along the way, spearheaded by the mighty H1N1.

So with this in mind I'm forced to ask myself........Is this new found enjoyment of brain purging worth all the stress, cranial compression and possible flesh ripping, crotch grabbing diseases? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT IS!!!

For the first time in my life I'm letting down my guard and going with the flow. Having an outlet for me to put thoughts to words for others to laugh at, furl brow at and scratch their head at is nothing short of a gift. Sure I could have always put pen to paper but how would all of you have gotten to sample the ramblings of a literary fledgling.

See, I have an addictive personality and anyone who suffers from that knows what a pain in the tookus it can be. You are constantly grabbing for things that you think will fill the void and when you get them, you squeeze every bit of comfort you can from them, sometimes with total disregard for the intense repercussions.

Writing has become my latest addiction and is doing an incredible job as my therapist in white, allowing me to spill my guts with no expectations in return. I can over indulge myself with words and that gives me great pleasure and guess what, I won't end up in the Betty Ford Clinic for this one. Alcohol yes, words no.

Drinking on the other hand has been my on again off again therapist in black. My overly priced couch M.D. who seems a little to preoccupied with payment up front. Shoot, I even pay him on the back end from time to time. It's amazing and awfully strange that I can't just enjoy one drink every now and then for relaxation. NO! I've got to pound the sauce like I'm a frat' pledge on a mission to track down, capture and savor the greatest buzz ever recorded in modern history.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a raging alcoholic or anything like that. You won't find me whizzing for distance off my deck or launching molotov cocktails at my neighbor's house, I just really look forward to the nine o'clock, kids are in bed, Gary hour with a little to much anticipation. Now I know there are worse problems in the world today but hey, I have to play the cards I'm dealt, right?

Funny thing is, when you have an addictive personality you can latch onto anything for comfort. Alcohol today, food tomorrow, drugs next Thursday.

Ordering a pizza!!!??? Better make it two, I'm not gonna stop until my abdomen is distended beyond lethal epidermis stretch limits and God knows I may never get pizza again! What did you say? You've got a joint and are wondering if I would like a puff? Sure! Hey, by the way, do you know where I could score a hefty bag full of that stuff? I'm gonna need some to get me through the weekend. You see what I'm getting at? For God's sake I can wake up on a Tuesday and wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner next Thursday. No kidding!

So what I'm trying to figure out now is, how I'm going to abuse my writing, stripping it of the joy that it gives to me. Ahh the writing, content is questionable by some, enjoyed by others but that's really not what's important here. What is important is that I now have a new non toxic form of release and the earth is a better, safer place for it, trust me.

Now I just have to tuck the writing away, protect it and run, knowing full well there is a barrage of would be addictions out there waiting to attack with shot glasses, burger wrappers and tobacco products. They will come for me and I know full well they would like nothing more than to make me their bitch.

Oh well, no matter where I'm taken on this journey of maniacally driven literary compositions, I am enjoying myself. Whether it's right here in blogspot purgatory or in a mental hospital/rehab with a laptop and a boyfriend named Skippy who likes to scream at me while checking my head for lice that possess the blueprints that will help him destroy the home of Liza Minnelli, I'm quite comfortable knowing the door has been opened and the earth........................................SHALL BE MINE!!!! WHHOOOOAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!............................ Sorry, what I meant to say was.......The door has been opened and the rest is still unwritten??? No that's not it, I think I've heard that somewhere, have you?. I've got it! The door has been opened and let the breeze carry me........how the fuck is the breeze gonna carry me!!!??? Let me try this again. I'm quite comfortable knowing the door has been opened and whether or not I choose to venture out is completely up to me. I got news for ya, I'm dying for a challenging career change......I'm going!

I got more news for ya......I think I just got away with a blog entry that was about how I had absolutely nothing to write about. Oh well, I'm purged I can go to bed.