So I've done it again! I was right in the middle of writing something, a piece I was SURE was going to change the world, when it happened; my thoughts went rogue.
I want you to picture the scene; my mind littered with unbridled idea-fledglings, flailing about the open plains of imagination, without a care in the world; my thoughts, moments ago pure and purposeful, now an elementary school breeding ground for heathenisitc adolescents.
Where are their parents??? I'll tell you where they are, they're off to the side, hell-bent-over at the neck, permanently entranced in their "i-getaways". Forget it! I'm left to corral these little thought bastards all on my own.
Here's the funny thing though; being of Jewish descent I'm really not much on corralling, and I'm certainly not good with a lasso. (I do however look stunning in chaps and a vest) Honestly?... I mean how many Jews do YOU know who are willing to mill about the open plains, imaginary or not, especially when there's not a carry-out in sight?
So I ask you; what's a Hebrew, rogue-thought rancher, to do? Does he wine and cry about it or does he buckle down, saddle up, and head out to wrangle up some misguided fluff, all to distribute to the open minded as some would-be giggle fodder?
Confused? Fear not, as this is all just my way of saying that what you are about to read is not a multi page essay based on events that took place in my life but simply a gathering of things that I've wondered about from time to time.
This project will not be taking a peek into my past, nor will it be a self inflicted wound covered in a antibacterial coated, self adhesive, word-aid. This will simply be a collection of thought fragments, things that stir my pot, if you will; a look into the antagonistic images that poke at my brain with a nah-nanny-boo-boo approach all the while attempting to steal away the outlines to, what may or may not be, my literary masterpieces.
Be warned though, as for these next few minutes you will be asked to go on a tour for the ages, a stroll down aimless lane, all the while ingesting a plethora of nonsensical issues ranging from things I want to see, to things that creep me out, and everything in between, like, things you probably will NEVER see, most of which, if not all, are COMPLETELY and UTTERLY plot less.
Things like:
-Isn't it great knowing there are always at least three french fries waiting at the bottom of the bag?
and...
-Is it me or is watching the older generation dial out on a flip cell-phone kind of like watching a caveman and his magic index finger after he's found something "p r e e e t t y y y y y y"?
-How about the quick sigh of relief you feel when you realize it was just air that came out during that unexpected, albeit violent, sneeze/fart?
-I ask you; Is there a 90 year old out there with pretty feet?
-What about The funny way 80's throw-back-tough-guy rockers walk on the beach while wearing tight jeans and Reebok high tops?
-Now picture those same rockers after they've pulled their jeans up over their knees having revealed their pasty skin and bony feet
-And how about the obnoxious way, obnoxious men, chew their gum. Oy!
-Just once I'd like to see a jogger in the fast lane of 695
-I try my very best to get through a grocery self-checkout session without setting off that god awful blinking help-light!
-Why do old men shake the handful of peanuts before popping one in their mouth?
-Wouldn't it be great if they made humans wear those after surgery pet head-cones?
-Midgets in cowboy hats?
-Midgets in cowboy BOOTS?
-Do you feel demoralized after eating seven or eight of the "100 calorie packs"?
-Where are the Wii SEX games?
-How come I always struggle to find the pitch when I'm singing happy birthday amongst strangers?
-If given the choice, when asked to play board games, I'll take death
-Don't ya hate that little burst of embarrassment when a small crowd has gathered just as you try and separate two shopping carts in failure?
-Even I think Adam Levine is hot
-I passionately hate people who text while driving! (I totally pay attention when I do it)
-People with really narrow tall heads scare me
-Are people who butt in while you're talking, the ones who completely change the subject, aware that they are assholes?
-How is it even possible to bite the underside of your tongue?
-And how about that subtle "here we go" feeling you get when the doctor says, "OK, why don't you go ahead and take your pants down now"
-Why can't close-talkers have good breath?
-Maybe YOU do, but I really don't give a shit at all that Pat and Vanna have done the show while drunk
-I'd like to find out where the Mayans went wrong
-I can't watch a couple perform breath taking ballet without zeroing in on the astonishingly huge bulge the male dancer always seems to have
-I'm frightened of people with extremely large eyebrows and tiny eyes
-What happened to baseball pants? When did slacks come in to play?
-I feel a sense of accomplishment when I'm able to slip in and out of a fast food restaurant having only gone in to use the restroom
-What is that random high pitch frequency you get in your ear every now and again? No one else ever hears mine. Do we all have our own?
-People who allow their feet to hang way over the front end of their sandals are creepy
-Guys? the toothpick in public does not make you cool
-How come when I look in the rear view mirror I always find a one inch long rebel nose hair who refuses to be yanked or reinserted?
-Why do really old men drive with their mouths wide open?
-I'm also scared of people with cro-magnon-sized foreheads and no chin
-I have no place for people who struggle with reading my body language, especially when it's obviously saying to them: "I could not care LESS about this story so would you PLEASE shut the fuck up!!!"
-I'm a bit uneasy when it comes to that creepy little bit of excitement in the voice of the guy who narrates "When vacations or animals attack"
-How come every time I try to deliver a really good nose blow my tongue has to clog up the works?
-Bet you've never seen two old men at the park playing Pokémon
-I'm sorry but I just don't buy it when the dude with "Born to Kill and Eat Minorities" tattooed on his forehead hands me my #4 value meal and then says, "my pleasure".
-I'd like to think that somewhere two very old black men are holding hands while roller skating
-Enough with the gecko! It's stupid!
-Just once I'd like to see an orthodox Jew driving a Ford F-350 super duty
-Naked-Twister-Tuesday at the nursing home... why not?
-How odd would it be to see a man with no toes running in flip flops?
-You never hear about someone amputated from the knee UP
-I think it would take balls to hire a hotel lobby pianist who has turrets and yells "FUCK STICK" every time he strikes middle C
OK, purged! Can I get back to my essay now, please? Jeesh!
