The low road

I was smack dab in the middle of typing, what I thought was a great idea for an entry, when it hit me; A message from, well, me! It said "ITS TIME TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE OVERLY DESCRIPTIVE, INNUENDOED, METAPHORICALLY SELF INDULGENT, LONG WINDED USUAL STUFF YOU'VE BEEN DIVING INTO UP UNTIL THIS POINT AND VENTURE DOWN A DIFFERENT PATH."

So after having my work impugned by myself, in classic schizophrenic fashion, I thought about it for a while. What I came up with was simple; I'll put together a list of things, a gathering of thought fragments if you will; a compilation of stuff that genuinely makes me laugh and pisses me off, sprinkled with things that quite frankly, CREEP ME OUT! This list is neither plot driven nor dream induced. If I offend in the process, I'm sorry in advance. It is as follows:



-Any gross word that sounds exactly like what it
does, is or is intended for:
Salve, Ooze, ointment, puss, pustule, mucus,
flem, curd,moist, enema, secretion, shanker,
smegma, sphincter

-Ego laden vanity liscence plates that I don't
understand

-People with horrific feet who wear sandals

-A nun with her thong showing

-Dry ear flakes

-Those who think their Pit Bull is not vicious
until it coughs up the remains of their
ninety-eight year old grandmother......And
her power chair

-An extremely hot chick with three rows of teeth

-Really ugly infants

-The parents of really ugly infants

-Overly hairy fat guys on the beach with an
explosion of ass hair bursting from the
speedo

-Having to sneeze with a mouth full of rice

-A couple of senior citizens square dancing
with assless pants

-Someone who talks to me with that little bit
of flem stuck in the back of their throat making
them sound like a deaf munchkin.......And they
keep going

-A librarian with a pocket knife and a limp

-Ventriloquists

-An ice cream truck that also sells sex toys

-The missing links who shop at Walmart

-Colin Farrell's stardom

-Jerks who yell at me with their car window up

-A prostitute with an eye patch

-The awkward position I'm forced to get into
when trying to reach the back row of the
prepared food bar and the sneeze guard is
cutting off the blood flow to my head

-Women who carry a machete

-A lifeguard wearing a turban

-A church choir made up entirely of Guatemalan
transsexuals

-Really old folks violently making love

-A person who is telling me a story who realizes
its going nowhere and bails abruptly. Usually
it's accompanied by an implosion of self
confidence made noticeable by the spill out of
word fragments and punctuated with an "Ahhh, you
had to be there"

-Two thirty on a Christmas afternoon

-Guys who wear their necklace on the outside
of the black turtleneck

-Pubic hair in my egg salad

-Pubic hair in any salad

-Pantyhose

-When I'm standing up bent over and my foot
gets caught in the underwear instead of going
through the underwear leg hole and I'm sent
hurling towards the floor

-Magnum sized condoms

-Having poop cramps while in the shower

-People driving with the heat cranking,
windows up and convertible top down

-The unidentifiable turd knot found in the
center of a won ton noodle

-A 400 pound waitress who smells like cheese

-The guy who cranks the music for all of us
to hear at the red light.

-Midgets in porn

-Videos of Pole vaulting accidents

-Pole vaulting all together

-An orgy in a nursing home