One for all ages

I did something recently that I haven't done in a very long time. Call it laziness, call it maturation, or call it what you will but this lapse in good judgment has proven costly to me.

I can tell you this though, with what I have just finished, I believe I've set things straight. I think what I have done here will set the standard, for many adults in need, for a long time to come.  What I did was, I composed a list letter to Santa Clause. Yep, I dug deep and sent a letter to the big man himself.

No, I'm not a religious man, as I have said many times, but like most folks, when presented with a challenge and in times of great need, I ask for help, and I usually look up when doing so.  Well you know what?... I don't want to look up any more. From now on I'm going to look north!

The way I see it, prayers get answered maybe once in a lifetime but Santa, that's a once a year deal.

My letter which was mailed this Tuesday past reads as follows:



Dear Santa,

Hi, it's me Gary. How's the Mrs? Doing well I trust? How about you? Are you keeping yourself out of trouble and out of that Gentleman's Club? Speaking of which, Desirae Lay asks about you from time to time.

Me?, I'm doing pretty good. Kids are well, wife is great, blah blah blah. Alright look, enough of the pleasantries, lets get to the real reason for my correspondence.

Santa, I need a couple of things and I need them fast! Now I know it's been about 30 years since my last letter but I'm desperate. I have a list for you this year like no other. It does contain some intangibles but if anyone can make it happen, you can.

See, I have made some fantastic changes in my life in the past two years, thanks to a friend of a friend, but there are a few hiccups left, bumps in the road, pimples on the ass, turds in the punch bowl that I would like to take care of. Clearing these minor blemishes, I believe, would help me put the finishing touches on my metamorphosis.

If you could see to it that my list of requests could be gifted, I think the world would be a much more pleasant place to live. Santa, I know this list is early, it's just that I can't stress enough how important these things are to me. Thank you very much my friend, good night, god bless. Happy Holidays.

Gary


Here is my list complete with explanation:


Can you please dial back my anger just a bit?-Anger gives birth to irrational behavior and idiotic remarks, does it not? How come I know this but I can't seem to stop it? No joke, the littlest things set me off and it's crazy.

I swear I'm trying real hard though. I tell myself all the time before situations arise to stay cool the next time one does present itself.

This list request is extremely important ya hear! A marriage, some drywall, a few phalanges, a couple of small animals, some unsuspecting tail gaiters, possible prison time and a cardiac organ depend on this one. This ranks #1 on my list. Lives could be at stake here dude, see what you can do.

Could you ease my OCD-I swear to god Santa if I gotta check one more thing before bed at night I might lose it. I just added the circuit box last week, had a spot in my electrical check list to fill.

Sockets, switches, under beds, windows, doors, in closets, storage rooms and the furnace room. When is it gonna end? I'm about one item check away from having to do the Macarena in my foyer before turning in for the night.

Furthermore I'm quite certain my neighbors don't want me checking shit out in THEIR bedrooms at two in the morning because I've run out of stuff to check here in my OWN home, so please!

This ranks #2 on my list. My sanity and my freedom from incarceration for breaking and entering is at stake. See what you can do.

OK, So that is gonna take care of the really deep personal stuff for now. The rest of the things on my list are things throughout the year I took notice of or just had thoughts about; they are things that I love, am interested in, completely hate, or would just like to see changed or implemented if you will.

For instance:


-In my lifetime I would like to see at least one Bushman of the Kalahari make Anchor-man.


-Perhaps an entire NBA team made up of Cameroonian Pygmies?


-Santa there are a few people in my work life I would like to see swallowed whole by an anaconda.


-And will you have my love handles return home to my lats please?


-Do you think you could inform Carrot Top that the muscles did not help?


-How about a brain for these idiot morons you hear about who keep large wild animals as their house pets. How come they're always surprised when they find out the animal strolled over to Stanly and Jeanette's house during the Wheel of Fortune and tore them a couple of new asses.


-I would like to be fluent with the movements of the forbidden dance.


-If I never have the heart stopping shock of sitting on a cold damp seat less toilet again I'll be happy.


-Would you please have God put in a call to the Chick-fil-A people to tell them that it's ok to be open on Sundays.


-Keep this one on the down-low Santa. I would really love a pair of those ultra revealing tights that the male ballet dancers wear.


-And I'm going to need a mega bulge to go with those tights!


-Here is something I would like to see you do away with; that little slip you have every now and then while walking on the ice. The one where your lead foot shoots forward about 3 or 4 inches only, but afterwards your lower back and groin feel like you've just had the living shit beaten out of you by four Himalayan Yeti with tire irons.


-And I think I need an explanation as to why when people violently sneeze and it's accompanied by a fart, why they don't release a 120 mph shit.


-Could you make it so that every night around nine-thirty my wife has an overwhelming desire to shed all clothing and take me.......no matter where we are.


-And just once, after having a fantastically intimate conversation with someone I've just met at a party, I would like to be able to go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and not find an entire head of spinach in my teeth.


-With winter coming, I'm gonna need you to warm up the hands and feet of my wife. My back muscles can't handle it when I have to arch like a gymnast to avoid her icy touch at three in the morning. And Some nights I have to hold a mirror under her nose cuz I think she might actually be dead.


-This is not a gift request it's just a passing thought I had:  Don't trapeze artists do the funniest walk ever when they are leaving the safety net.


-Three words Santa........Unbreakable dental floss!!!  Why does it feel so horrible when a little piece gets stuck between two molars? 


-I don't know about you but I could do without the whole Clown/Mime thing. Fuckers just flat out give me the creeps!


-CAN WE STOP THE PERIODICALLY HORRIFYING NEWS STORIES AT SIX PM SANTA! I'm eating dinner with my children and I have to hear that Jonathon Richard Goodguy stabbed his ninety-eight year old mother six thousand times with the black pickup stick???!!! Great!!!

I'm now to understand that this was done in an attempt to perforate her so that when he pulled her skin off to make a birthday present for his ninety-four year old step dad, the one who used to beat him with road kill, that he could laugh at the ripping sound??? Nice!!!

That kind of a story doesn't sit well with a nine year old, three year old, grilled chicken, and mac-n-cheese, you know!

Besides, that story is always sandwiched between two tongue in cheek feel goods like; Snuffles the dog who saved three gay squirrels that fell through the ice while gathering winter sustenance AND Bob Turk giving a thirteen salute to Ethel the one hundred and four year old halfway house pianist who teaches old testament hymns to over weight limbless seniors who are catatonically frozen with their mouths open. Absolutely no need to watch the news at dinner time!


-And for goodness sake can you get some teeth for these creatures interviewed on the news at the crime scenes who just happen to witness.......EVERYTHING! I swear to god one guy had only one tooth and it was one of the wisdoms. Now how is he chewing?


-I would really appreciate it, if everything that was healthy for me didn't have to taste like ass.


-Speaking of ass.....Any way to lessen the intensity of my children's toots?


-Could you please open a few more registers at the Walmart checkout please! I'm not in line for concert tickets for Christ's sake!


-AND CAN I GET A GOD DAMN SHOPPING CART THAT DOESN'T WOBBLE!!!???



Well there you have it. I have lots more Christmas wishes where those came from but at the moment these are the ones I felt most strongly about. Furthermore I don't want to appear greedy. (or nuts!) My best to the Mrs and the little shits.


Gary