Memo to Phil

I just got finished watching the movie 2012 and it got me thinking. Why are all historical prophecies riddled in negativity? Why do they always forecast doom? I'm confused and my history may not be so good so tell me: Were the Mayans a repressed group of lost souls whose purpose was to draw up the blueprints of the demise of future civilizations and then to vanish?

It seems to me that diddling in the realm of negativity made it painful for these mystical people and therefore brought about a short lived existence. I mean with all of the sacrifice and ceremonial beheadings you would think one might have wanted to steer clear of the doomsday prophecy. Perhaps calling out the end of the world, every other Thursday, was not such a good idea.

Maybe they should have spent a little more time focusing on something positive. Maybe they should have predicted something pleasant, something like: Someday, many years from now, a guy named Teddy will have ten beautiful children; ten lovely human beings who will help their dad grow to become the greatest and most gracious ruler ever to sashay in the shadows of the earth's natural wonders.

Then maybe they could have predicted that these ten do-gooders would’ve been instrumental in putting an end to all ceremonial sacrificial carnage. Not long after that they might have gotten up the nerve to lay down a ballsy declaration like seeing to it that no one would ever suffer through another celebrity power couple naming, ever again!

Na, lets just stick with fiery painful end of days and while we're at it, let’s disembowel a few more of the weak and needy just for good measure; all in favor?

The Mayans weren't the only ones, you know. There would be prophets to come; perhaps none more influential than Nostradamus. What was his story anyway? Was this joker so tormented throughout the adolescent years that it paved the way for such priceless prediction gems as his own death and world war III?

Seriously, were the prophets of yesteryear the nerdy kids at the lunch table? Were these depressing souls dampened by a swirly or two? Maybe they were Goth misfits?  

I’m getting the feeling had some of the earlier predictions been made sometime in the latter part of the 20th century, that maybe they would have been whispered through the vent slots of a dark school locker; Just sayin’.

Nostradamus, Patheticus, Unappreciatus, Miserableshitakus; tell me something, Where was John? I’ll be damned if a John would’ve laid down some miserable run on sentence of modern day disaster; not even if he saw THESE trying times looming.

John would be strong but gentle; course but fair. John would have taken into consideration the children and the elderly. John would’ve united the masses, all the while separating the strong, and those that would be protected.

I’ll bet John would have bestowed upon us, pleasant, current, and necessary declarations like; "So and so is going to put out the next celebrity sex tape" and maybe the answers to "What the hell happened on Lost"! You can always trust a John.

So I ask you: WHERE IN THE HELL IS JOHN? Where are all the positive predictions of today? Where are all the feel good forecasts? Where are all of the happily ever afters and uplifting news stories?

I'll tell you where they are. They are buried in shallow literature graves and are being held dormant by the Duke of depression himself; the modern day Kukulkan; the great dictator, less all others. He is… some editor dude named Phil, I think.

He knows it! He knows that negativity feeds the masses and nourishes the ignorant, and quite frankly, we should be tired of it.

Hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, Paris Hilton, earthquakes, global warming, drought, std's, celebrity rehab, killer bees, bed bugs, rising gas prices, murderers, molesters, SARS, west Nile, swine, Ebola, polar ice caps and David Hasselhoff. ENOUGH ALL READY!!! WE GET IT!!!

Hey, speaking of the ice caps, here is my thought on that issue. I say we have a corporate group bottle the stuff that is melting and hawk it during the upcoming Olympic Games. It could be put to a Morgan Freeman voice overlaid commercial. The other thought I had would be to distribute it to underprivileged nations around the world, who so desperately need it, but why do that?

Ooh wait, hot off the presses! Hey Phil, some unfamiliar cellulite was found jiggling on the beaches of southern California this past weekend. That of course should pale in comparison to the profound rumor that Hugh Jackman and Eliza Dushku may have hooked up. The alleged couple's new uni-name is already in.........."Man-Doosh".

(Deep inhalation)

So where was I......Ahh yes, in my most humble of opinions here is what I think all of the negativity over the years has done for us: It has polluted our teachings, printed material, fantasies and our air waves. It has given birth to such priceless treasures as war, poverty, famine, disease, bigotry and OCD. Not to mention spandex, lunchables, botox, Ernest Angley, any show on FOX that starts with “WORLDS MOST” or “CELEBRITY”, and the potato chip bag re-sealer.

Furthermore, because of all of this, we have been shown since birth how to feel anger towards those who prosper and also to bathe ourselves in other's misfortune. Thanks ancestors; thanks Phil!

Are we so shallow that we can't for a second allow ourselves to breathe in someone else’s fresh air? I don't know about you but after I read that Jimmy Joe and Effie Mae just won the Mega Millions I don't feel like I need to travel to Ditchbilly Kentucky to see to their death. I'm happy for them! Sure I would love to have won it myself but hey, there is always another play. Besides, that long drive would simmer the rolling boil anyway.

And another thing, why does the front page of the morning paper have to show pictures of the one surviving child sitting outside of the four hundred passenger bullet train that just crashed into the Romanian orphanage? I'm not saying to lay a blind eye on disaster but can't the news give us some uplifting stories, just once in a while?

I say stop incessantly regurgitating current waves of unimaginable hardships. I also say stop digging up historical scrolls of doom contaminated with prophetic catastrophes. I'm full fledged tired of feeling depressed on the cue of the rooster and being prepared by mid day for the end of it all!

This life is short enough that I don't need to be spending most of it peeking through the blinds during breaks I’ve taken while constructing my very own fall out shelter. God knows I have enough to do before bed as it is.

There are positive things to hear and read about out there! I want those! We all know that crime, unfortunate events and violence are everywhere so constantly bombarding us with it is just plain detrimentally redundant. Shoot, wasn't it just a short time ago that Disney was telling us not to forget to dream.

And another thing, tell me if I'm wrong but aren't we taught as small children to smile to others, that it is contagious; To do unto others as you would have done to you; To lend a helping hand? Well I've got news for you, somewhere along the line these great words of wisdom were grapvined into; Don't stare it's a threatening gesture ; Take what you can before they do; and lastly; Don’t get involved, they'll be alright. Migration to the dark side is a joyride, I guess.

Now, on many occasion, I myself have wondered if there was something I could do about all of this that would conjure up a spark and Ignite the people in a delightful fashion. I've always felt that there had to be something I could do.

Well guess what, seeing the 2012 re-run was my falling apple because it has come to me.

Short, plain and simple, I should start an all positive news paper. Hey, maybe I could even convince folks to pay for it. I'm talking about real uplifting stuff. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Imagine page after page of joyful articles gleefully portraying mediocre existences in a light so bright you'd shed a tear; a circulatory information publication that would unite the thirsty and ignite the desperate.

This would be a paper where the weather page would exist only if it was to be sunny. Here, the sports page would report victories without scrutiny and would playfully mock defeat with an inspirational epilogue. My police blotter would read of wallets returned, murderers rehabilitated and of hookers that not only provide bliss but tutor quantum physics as well. The local section in my paper would not run the story of the toddler who was sent to the docks to inspect uranium containers in order to support his crack saturated parents. Instead, my paper would run a local piece that produces the headline that reads:
After a long and perilous journey, little orphan Davy Tatum was adopted today at the tender age of 52.

There has to be a plethora of positive news out there to report on, don't you think? I'm going to get to work on this, ASAP! I am also now going to go on record:
Read Ye Read Ye.....From this day forth, I Gary, shall never READ, LISTEN or INGEST another PASSAGE, SOUND OR PRODUCT OF SUSTENANCE that is of a nature less than that of positive.