Should Have Made that Left Turn at Albuquoikee

This has been the longest I've gone without writing and I think I have finally figured out why. I think I've reached a crossroad.

I know I'm still very new to this putting thought to keystroke thing, naive you could say, but I have definitely stumbled onto a path of uncertainty. Are crossroads supposed to be this confusing? Is this normal? Umm......was that a tumbleweed? @$#%

Let me fill you in on the goings on here. I've got lots of ideas swirling around that are coming at me like swarms of angry bees and not the wimpy European kind either. Now I know things could always be a lot worse and the woe is me factor might be leaking in here a bit but I used to be able to monitor and control my brain barf. At least with some measurable amount of discipline that is. Now I'm struggling to contain it and I'm having a hard time putting it to word.

I don't know what you want to read! I don't know if you care! I don't know what I want to write! I don't know if I can write anymore! I don't know why I still watch Idol!

Lately my head is like a Billy Mays infomercial, energetic yet spastic. There are so many aimless thoughts, bits of advice, visions, explosions of insight, dream descriptions, theorems, algorithms, theories, nightmares, movie lines and unanswered questions just floating around. There is even one very special fantasy of my third grade teacher naked. Doesn't it figure, that's the clearest thought I have.

All of these things have been meandering around inside my head for the last six or eight weeks now. It's jaywalking madness! Not to mention these unpopped brainstorm bubbles that are now colliding with the many other demons that also try to claim my cerebral cavern as their own. Try refereeing that contest, OY!

It used to be so easy to come up with something that I thought would surely entertain, at least a few people. Now I'm not so sure and I'm constantly second guessing myself.

For some reason I've started to think that putting a more serious tone into what I'm writing is the way to go. I really don't know why though. I guess it's because I've changed so much in the past few years. I guess when you gain an ounce of clarity you kind of want to spill out a pound of it, you know? I'll compare it to a smoker who quits and then yells at everyone for doing it. I think I want to shout my learning's to those who need or want, to listen.

Then I say to myself "Who the hell am I to spread life's lessons or messages?" For me, being goofy and posturing for a laugh is what I enjoy so why mess with that. This takes me right back to confusion.

I did have one brief moment the other day when clarity seemed to be peeking through the crowd of misfits and I thought.... Maybe it's a well deserved brain break.

Could that be it? Is the crossroad asking me to make a right turn down brain break alley? Could my brain be asking me to allow it to go through a purge cleansing? Maybe that is it. I have been doing a lot of writing these past eight months so I guess a break is OK, right?

I won't lie though, I've actually been very depressed at how hard it's been to assemble my thoughts lately. Although I will say this, it's not for the lack of them I can assure you. No kidding, I've got ideas coming in from everywhere and more than ever. They're even coming in over tweets or twits. Funny thing is I don't even twoot. It's just, for some reason, I'm unable to harness my ideas now.

Now on the other hand, what if I'm way off here. What if I'm being asked to make a left turn? OK, and what if a left turn puts me onto some lonely street coincidentally named Parrish way?!?!

Oh my God am I dying?!?! What if all of this uncertainty is something physical! Do I have some debilitating disease and I'm to write no more? What if it's cancer?!?! Can you get cancer of the imagination? That would be a horrible cancer to have! Not that they are not all horrible but can you imagine how you would have to administer treatment to your mentality?

Oh my God I can hear the headlines now; It was a long road and a battle that shall stand as one for the ages but he was unable to defeat the illness and Gary Goodman has succumb to faux cancer's evil grasp. If he could have just found a way to set aside the A.D.D. long enough to focus his thoughts solely on faux chemo. This of course being the only way to treat and defeat Cancer of the imagination, which we now clinically refer to as Cognisance Cancer.

Oy, I think I feel dizzy! OK, deep breath... maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Instead of draping myself in the negativity, maybe I should call on the positivity here. Yep, I think that's a good idea. Here goes....

How about this, maybe my blip on the radar is not a crossroad at all. Maybe, just maybe, the past eight months I've been tickling a sleeping madman. Maybe it's my brain waking up. Maybe it's opening up like an old chest in the attic. Hmm, an old chest that when opened, throws up a billowy cloud of dust. A small, yet intense, particle storm that issues a warning and tastes of stale air. You know, the cloud of crap you've got to squint through in the hopes of getting a peek at the possible treasure that may lay waiting inside.

Yeah but what if I don't like what's waiting for me? What if it's like Geraldo Rivera opening up Al Capone's vault and after all of the build up there is nothing? What if, in my chest, they find nothing but mud and some years later some old hag tosses my stolen creativity off the stern of a ship along with some jewels. Did you ever think of that?!?! My creativity in question and me along with it, sinking into the abyss known as literary ineptitude. Please say it isn't so!

OK, I know I'm not ending world hunger here, I'm simply allowing myself to vent through a keyboard but....... If it ain't no fun then don't do it. Yeah but I love doing it and I'm having mucho fun so I'm going to get to the bottom of this and get back with you all soon, I hope.

In closing, call this what you will; a crossroad, test, mental block, small stroke, cough due to cold, deep sea excursion, self indulgent fluff or awakening, whatever, it's definitely perplexing.