Can I Get Some Ambien?

If there's one thing I've learned, during my many trips to the BJ's wholesale club, it's that the role of the person who looks over your cart and checks your receipt, just before you leave the store,  is not taken seriously enough. 

After many a sleepless night I've come to the conclusion that the right equipment is not issued for the job.  This, I believe, can leave an employee with a feeling of worthlessness that can eventually lead to self doubt; all of which can be detrimental to a patron looking to have an overall glitch-free and SAFE shopping adventure; let alone support the mind set of an entry-level type employee who may or may not be clinging to delusions of advancement.

Me?....I can only imagine how much fun it could be, would be, and should be, to have customers under my control, especially one that may or may not have just gone through a possible self inflicted grueling self-checkout experience. 

Simply put; they need to glorify this title, "receipt-checker" handing more power over to the employee, thereby making it the high ranking position it can and should be.

What would I do differently?....First I would rename the position, if it even has a title at all.  I would stamp it:  "Receipt Perusal Clerk Cart Survey Engineer"; sounds official and will most certainly command attention.  Furthermore, I have always found that sheep will respond well to a cloaked shepherd.

Secondly, I would do away with the single act of punching a hole in a receipt and make it so that the customer has to undergo some sort of right-of-passage-to-exit-ritual set before leaving the store; starting with answering a few questions. This alone opens the door to interaction and is a way for the checker, the last line in a store's defense, to lay dominance over the shopper, thereby claiming upper hand.

Now upon completion of, and in addition to, a five point questionnaire, I believe a complimentary shopper eye exam should be administered.  And, keeping within the framework of our law enforcement, maybe a field sobriety test as well.

I would also have the shoppers, at random selection of course, move all of the items from their own cart in to another. This will give the checker a bird's eye account of all that was purchased and make all others think twice before trying to conceal a twelve hundred pound bag of potatoes under a vacuum fresh side of beef.

I'd then leave it to my checker's discretion as to whether or not a customer should have to pull off to the side for a random second-tier inspection.  I've also entertained the idea of a whipping post; a frisking station is not out of the question either and I've never been one to shy away from the timeless classic that is the full-body-cavity search. After all, you never know where one might be hiding a brightly colored mesh bag that contains 400 navel oranges.

I would issue a uniform! This is critical in the steps to empowerment! My checkers should wear something that stands out, instills fear, and screams HALT!  It should be something that commands attention and respect, something resembling that of a HAZMAT worker, complete with helmet and name tag.

They would be asked to carry a clipboard as well, as this screams of professionalism.  And I would most certainly have holsters fashioned for every last one of my checkers; holsters that will cradle the antiquated weapon that is the hole punch, something fancy-like, possibly made from denim. And all checkers would be required to wear a badge.

A side arm?...I've toyed with that notion but am still waiting on our state's ruling before placing an AK-47 on the shoulder of one of my receipt-check engineers.

You know what else?....I think fences should be erected.  I also think dogs should be brought in, ground forces should be at the ready, and all out border control tactics implemented. I mean, after all, it's pretty dangerous stuff, don't you think?....to stand between a shopper and it's freedom?

Megaphones need to be used! Most definitely! And for extreme cases?...like handling the 'all-business-multi-cart shopper'?...I would ask that a referee's whistle be blown. 

And for those times when things are sure to get out of hand, like at Christmas time, I would probably feel the need to pull out all the stops and make it mandatory that all receipt-checker stations are outfitted with sharp shooters, metal detectors and airport glow-batons.

Now, lastly, and this is very important; If we're really going to get serious about store exiting procedures I think it's time to do away those pulsating buzzer alarms that sound if you try and walk out of a store with stolen goods.  Honestly, is that approach really supposed to stave off an attack of complete lawlessness, one that will surely land my a receipt-checker in a managers office?

People!.. the reputation, the integrity, and the self esteem of the receipt-checker is at stake here! I say, instead of the nonsense that is the pulsating buzzer, the one that nobody ever reacts to anyway, place a cruise-ship air horn in it's place!  I want to stop these fuckers in their tracks; embarrass 'em!  And If that proves insufficient I'll take it to the next level!  I'll install a spring-loaded-jungle-tree-branch-swing-arm-medieval-death-apparatus with spikes!  If the horn blast won't stop 'em, the blow to the chest will!

Again, gaining respect by placing power with the employee, and putting an end to careless store exiting, is what we're after here!  I want embarrassment and  public humiliation!  I want it so that these parasites have no chance when it comes to cheating, poking fun of, and in essence, diminishing the role of, the "Receipt Perusal Clerk Cart Survey Engineer"!

(long inhale)