Is it just me or is anyone else really pumped for the upcoming winter games? I don't know what it is that the winter has over the summer, I mean most of the sports are kind of comical to me, but I just look so forward to this installment of the Olympics.
Perhaps it's because I was an
avid skier, or maybe it's because while on a trip to Austria once, back in the
80's, I got to take a ride down the Olympic bobsled track from the '76 games of
Innsbruck. Whatever the case may be I
just get totally beside myself with anticipation as the winter fun draws nearer.
Now having said all of that, and
as much as I do love these wonderfully bizarre two weeks every four years, I do
want to go on record as saying that a few of the events, that are nestled
within the goodness that is the cold-weather-version of the greatest sports
show on earth, could use a bit of makeover, a little bit of a face lift, a tummy
tuck, if you will.
Look, just because I love the
games doesn't mean I can't see what might need to be fixed. In fact it's because of how much I love the
winter games that I offer up my opinions.
No sport should ever go
without change, especially when trying to match or keep up with the times; not
even the sacred sports arena that is the Olympiad.
After all, what better
positive energy source is there for a nation than country on country battle and
the experience of pride that comes with victory and sportsmanship?
On the flipside though, there
is no better way to tarnish such positivity or moral than to present us with
games that are so outdated and or stupid that embarrassment is felt leaving
viewership to be all but compromised.
Yes, there are some events
that are just plain dumb, and it's made it hard, even for me, to watch them.
So what I would like to do
now is I'd like to present to you some suggestions that I have come up; simple
ways to make some of the events in the winter Olympic games more updated and or
tolerable.
These are thoughts I've had
over the past few years about how the winter Olympic games could gain back some
of the mystique that it has, in my opinion, lost over the past few sessions.
What I have come up with here,
I believe, is nothing short of genius
and if the right people were to get a hold of this list, we could be in store
for some amazing future winter Olympic games.
What do I hope to get out of
this, you ask? Well I guess I'm hoping
for some feedback before I set out with my master plan of sending these
suggestions to the powers that be, the "National Institute Making
Recreation of Diversified Sports", or "NIMRODS" for short.
Anyway, the following is the complete list of the events I have a problem with or simply have suggestions for and how I think they could be made to be more interesting.
They are:
*Curling- Now I know you're thinking "That's an obvious target", and I agree, but there are a few things that can be done to intensify this misunderstood activity. Besides, in America, we want action!
Anyway, first thing to do here is to pick a name that fits the activity, like, "Moronic Shuffleboard" or "Doofuses on Ice".
Next, while these idiots are fanatically sweeping, shirtless by the way, afford the opposing team the right to thwack them with their brooms. Hell, let's up the stakes a bit shall we, what about a garden tool? For instance, let'em beat the shit out of each other with a hoe or maybe even a pitch fork.
How about instead of sweeping the ice we change it up completely? Give these guys a jack hammer or a flame thrower. Better still, how about a earth mover?
Perhaps holding the event on a pond covered by dangerously thin ice? I think that would make it interesting, how about that?
Now I'm sure a few of you out there are mad at me for this and I understand. Maybe some of you really get into this full on display of pure athleticism this sport has to offer. Perhaps you're angry with me for not acknowledging the intellectual side to the Olympic Games. Whatever, I'm just sayin' if you want more Americans to watch curling you'll need to make it worth wasting a beer on.
*Luge- Now here's a sport we all have regular access to. "Hey Bill, wanna come over and luge with the kids?"? What's the skill?!?! I say put these fuckers on a circular sled and that's that! At least then we'd all have a shot at making the Olympics or at the very least, we'd have relatability. You give me a guy in a unitard with a helmet and goggles, put him on a plastic yellow disc and send him down a hill at 83 mph?....... I'm watching!
"Look at Sven as he navigates through the 50/50 tunnel at turn number three, look how he holds the black handles with absolute precision. I tell ya folks, nobody does criss-cross-applesause like this guy; he truly exemplifies the meaning of perseverance and...... Uh Oh!!!, it appears Sven's gotten himself into an uncontrollable spin! Backwards is not a position you want to be in heading into "Devil's Curve".
*Freestyle Skiing (Moguls)- This sport gets an "A" for athleticism but I could make it better.
We all get it, you go real fast over bumps keeping your knees together and you then launch a couple of jumps, first one being the lesser in difficulty. Everyone looks the same to me! Yes I can tell the difference in jumps and yes I can see those that are faster than the others but it still needs something.
It needs something that will break up the monotony, something that will instill a little fear and an element of surprise. It needs the country on country heat turned up a bit. I say have random exploding moguls. Think about the excitement! It'll be roulette on snow! In fact, you can let a contestant from another country hold the detonator.
"Let's hear it for USA's Marty Mogul Hunter as he's propelled off jump number one into his patented "Cork-roll-heli-fucker!" This after nearly having his ass cheeks blown across the top of the course. And how about Sweden's own Surgi Yur-gonna-crash'n'burn racing for the finish line, six one hundredths of a second ahead and BOOM,!!! Body parts everywhere!"
In fact, to protect the spectators, you could make it like a Gallagher concert and have the first eight rows under plastic.
Gettin' a little violent for ya?
*Biathlon- Here are three ideas to jump start this painfully boring event.
Anyway, the following is the complete list of the events I have a problem with or simply have suggestions for and how I think they could be made to be more interesting.
They are:
*Curling- Now I know you're thinking "That's an obvious target", and I agree, but there are a few things that can be done to intensify this misunderstood activity. Besides, in America, we want action!
Anyway, first thing to do here is to pick a name that fits the activity, like, "Moronic Shuffleboard" or "Doofuses on Ice".
Next, while these idiots are fanatically sweeping, shirtless by the way, afford the opposing team the right to thwack them with their brooms. Hell, let's up the stakes a bit shall we, what about a garden tool? For instance, let'em beat the shit out of each other with a hoe or maybe even a pitch fork.
How about instead of sweeping the ice we change it up completely? Give these guys a jack hammer or a flame thrower. Better still, how about a earth mover?
Perhaps holding the event on a pond covered by dangerously thin ice? I think that would make it interesting, how about that?
Now I'm sure a few of you out there are mad at me for this and I understand. Maybe some of you really get into this full on display of pure athleticism this sport has to offer. Perhaps you're angry with me for not acknowledging the intellectual side to the Olympic Games. Whatever, I'm just sayin' if you want more Americans to watch curling you'll need to make it worth wasting a beer on.
*Luge- Now here's a sport we all have regular access to. "Hey Bill, wanna come over and luge with the kids?"? What's the skill?!?! I say put these fuckers on a circular sled and that's that! At least then we'd all have a shot at making the Olympics or at the very least, we'd have relatability. You give me a guy in a unitard with a helmet and goggles, put him on a plastic yellow disc and send him down a hill at 83 mph?....... I'm watching!
"Look at Sven as he navigates through the 50/50 tunnel at turn number three, look how he holds the black handles with absolute precision. I tell ya folks, nobody does criss-cross-applesause like this guy; he truly exemplifies the meaning of perseverance and...... Uh Oh!!!, it appears Sven's gotten himself into an uncontrollable spin! Backwards is not a position you want to be in heading into "Devil's Curve".
*Freestyle Skiing (Moguls)- This sport gets an "A" for athleticism but I could make it better.
We all get it, you go real fast over bumps keeping your knees together and you then launch a couple of jumps, first one being the lesser in difficulty. Everyone looks the same to me! Yes I can tell the difference in jumps and yes I can see those that are faster than the others but it still needs something.
It needs something that will break up the monotony, something that will instill a little fear and an element of surprise. It needs the country on country heat turned up a bit. I say have random exploding moguls. Think about the excitement! It'll be roulette on snow! In fact, you can let a contestant from another country hold the detonator.
"Let's hear it for USA's Marty Mogul Hunter as he's propelled off jump number one into his patented "Cork-roll-heli-fucker!" This after nearly having his ass cheeks blown across the top of the course. And how about Sweden's own Surgi Yur-gonna-crash'n'burn racing for the finish line, six one hundredths of a second ahead and BOOM,!!! Body parts everywhere!"
In fact, to protect the spectators, you could make it like a Gallagher concert and have the first eight rows under plastic.
Gettin' a little violent for ya?
*Biathlon- Here are three ideas to jump start this painfully boring event.
1.) Allow the spectators to
toss Molotov Cocktails at the contestants.
2.) Fill the course with
Grizzly Bear and Mountain Lion.
3.) For the shooting portion,
use athletes instead of targets! You could pull them from the countries that
haven't won any medals yet. Let's Hunger
Games this shit up! Talk about
incentive.......
*4-Man Bob Sled-This sport, and I use that term loosely, needs a total makeover. First thing I would do is widen the course. I want to see all of the overgrown adolescents, and their sleds, going at once.
Speaking of sleds, let's do away with the enclosed rocket-like luxury capsules and put these chromosomal degenerates on an old time rutter job; you know, the kind you steer with your feet. I firmly believe open air sleds will make for better wrecks.
And for this next change I took into consideration how horrible I feel for the three dudes behind the driver. I mean not only for the fact that they've never seen the courses that they risk their lives on but for the fact that the barrel bellied monsters up front get all of the recognition. So it's all heads up from now on; no helmets either.
In fact, let's give these other three creatures more responsibility; I mean other than hooting, hollering, spitting and slapping high fives.
I think Cro Magnon number two and three should be armed with spears to throw at the other contestants. Then, you can give behemoth number four, the anchor man, a steering wheel just like the pilot. We'll make the sleds really long so they can co steer just like a hook and ladder fire truck. That should make the sharp turns more interesting.
Now, if all else fails, we could always put a concrete wall at the finish line and change the name to the "4 Man Crash Test".
*Speed Skating (Long Track)- This one is simple really, put it to corny music and throw in a limbo stick.
*Speed Skating (Short Track)- This sport is already pretty intense (kinda resembles an overly active beehive after being hit with a rock) so I had to think long and hard here. With the track being so short my first choice was something resembling the obvious, like Roller Derby, then it hit me.......... Hurdles!
*4-Man Bob Sled-This sport, and I use that term loosely, needs a total makeover. First thing I would do is widen the course. I want to see all of the overgrown adolescents, and their sleds, going at once.
Speaking of sleds, let's do away with the enclosed rocket-like luxury capsules and put these chromosomal degenerates on an old time rutter job; you know, the kind you steer with your feet. I firmly believe open air sleds will make for better wrecks.
And for this next change I took into consideration how horrible I feel for the three dudes behind the driver. I mean not only for the fact that they've never seen the courses that they risk their lives on but for the fact that the barrel bellied monsters up front get all of the recognition. So it's all heads up from now on; no helmets either.
In fact, let's give these other three creatures more responsibility; I mean other than hooting, hollering, spitting and slapping high fives.
I think Cro Magnon number two and three should be armed with spears to throw at the other contestants. Then, you can give behemoth number four, the anchor man, a steering wheel just like the pilot. We'll make the sleds really long so they can co steer just like a hook and ladder fire truck. That should make the sharp turns more interesting.
Now, if all else fails, we could always put a concrete wall at the finish line and change the name to the "4 Man Crash Test".
*Speed Skating (Long Track)- This one is simple really, put it to corny music and throw in a limbo stick.
*Speed Skating (Short Track)- This sport is already pretty intense (kinda resembles an overly active beehive after being hit with a rock) so I had to think long and hard here. With the track being so short my first choice was something resembling the obvious, like Roller Derby, then it hit me.......... Hurdles!
*Downhill Skiing- Sure it's
fast! Sure it's plenty modernized! But outside of the occasional 85mph,
flat-spin cart-wheel, it all looks the same to me. Like the freestyle skiing I'm going to need
something to break up the monotony. First,
do away with the little ski-hut and starting gate. Too dainty!
I want these guys propelled from the starting line by a sling shot. I'd also like to see the contestants dressed
up like medieval Nintendo game characters.
I want them armed as well. And
while we're at it place a princess in a tower, at the finish line, protected by
a moat filled with Nile Crocs and bull frogs. And forget the one at a time crap; let's send
all of these thrill seeking X-junkies down the hill at once! I can think of nothing more exciting than 2.5
minutes of pure chaotic adrenaline all in the name of chivalry! Still not enough? We could always afford each country the right
to one air-strike. Hmm.... Perhaps the course could be lined with
trebuchets and fire balls.
(long inhale)
And last, but not least....
*Cross Country Skiing- I Say again... C R O S S C O U N T R Y S K' Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z ........ I think I'd rather watch footage on the mating rituals of the Serengeti Wool Moth. Nevertheless, here is what I came up with, that is guaranteed to increase viewership, for this excruciatingly hard to watch event. Just after the contestants leave the starting gate, have them set on fire.
*Cross Country Skiing- I Say again... C R O S S C O U N T R Y S K' Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z ........ I think I'd rather watch footage on the mating rituals of the Serengeti Wool Moth. Nevertheless, here is what I came up with, that is guaranteed to increase viewership, for this excruciatingly hard to watch event. Just after the contestants leave the starting gate, have them set on fire.
Now, as if that wasn't
enough, I would like to present to you another list. Yes, another list......... This is a list of the events that are not yet
recognized as Olympic Games, but if I get my way, they will one day be. You tell me if you think these wouldn't be
fun to watch.
In no particular order, they are:
*200 Meter Snowshoe Dash
(I can't help it; I've always wanted to know who the fastest man, in snow shoes, alive is)
*Democrats and Republicans on Very Thin Ice
*Couples Ice Tap Dancing
In no particular order, they are:
*200 Meter Snowshoe Dash
(I can't help it; I've always wanted to know who the fastest man, in snow shoes, alive is)
*Democrats and Republicans on Very Thin Ice
*Couples Ice Tap Dancing
*Couples Ice DIRTY Dancing
(Nobody puts Svetlana in the corner)
(Nobody puts Svetlana in the corner)
*Snowball Fights to the End
*Penguin Punting
*Snowboarders Vs Skiers
(with weapons)
*Penguin Punting
*Snowboarders Vs Skiers
(with weapons)
*Neighborhood-Assholes, With-Their-Four-Wheel-Drives-in-the-Snow, Derby
*Seal Costume Water Polo in Open Waters
Well there you have it! Those are my ideas to intensify, if not
revolutionize, the winter Olympic games.
Now, with some luck, and a whole lot of perseverance, we could see these
upgraded, and or brand new, events implemented for the 2018 games. Thoughts?
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