The Enraged Crusader

Anger management, me? I hear that malarkey all the time but I'm not buyin'. Abusive thoughts maybe, I can accept that. Can I help it if when people do stupid things I'm called into action. I feel folks nowadays need a little discipline and mandatory reflection. A wake up call so to speak.

There is nothing wrong with a punishing stare every now and then; an imagined blast to the solar plexus is warranted from time to time; a visualized kick to the groin, knee to the chin, can be the all correcting, don't you think?

Now don't get me wrong I'm not one to glorify violent behavior but I am one who likes to see justice served, karma personified if you will. Lets face it, there are a lot of nimrods buzzing around out there who would not be concerned with others feelings.

Now, being one who likes to seek the positive in a situation, what I like to do when anger does present itself is to act introspectively. What I have found, in doing so, is a switch. It hides in that hostility that emerges from time to time. It really is amazing, amazing to catch yourself right at that moment when rage is born. If you pay close attention you can actually hear a click as that switch is being thrown.

You know that moment; when your larynx gives birth to an idiotic remark, nurtures it, grows it and sends it rolling off your tongue, usually in the direction of a loved one ; when the thought of inflicting pain makes sense ; when a dream of wielding a large blunt object quiets the voices ; when the illusion of tossing someone off an overpass seems logical ; when the idea of purchasing stabbing weapons makes you giggle maniacally. Anyway, you know the moment. We all share it on some level. Some of us just act on it with stronger emotions and with less control.

Let me give an example of my ramblings. Recently I was heading into a CVS and I did something you only read about in books nowadays, I held the door for someone. Big mistake! This arrogant chic strolled right past me with not so much as a head nod of gratitude. Now I don't normally fish for graciousness but COME ON! The kicker was that she continued to make auditory love to her cell phone at volumes unnecessary.

Mercury began rising! I HEARD THE CLICK! What are my options here? Do I forgive? Do I forget? Do I destroy? My processor started flickerin' and clickin' and what I came up with was a low resonating growl accompanied by a, YOU'RE WELCOME! "Oh aaaaa, thank you?" She said. She was surprised, can you believe it? Now I had to follow the unappreciative heathen into the store. It was all I could do not to gather this chick by the belt and collar and launch her head first into the Entenmann's display. Is that wrong? Am I out of line in my thinking?

How about when I let someone into my lane on the highway and they don't show me my thank you wave. Should I not visualize dropping the hammer and ramming them in an attempt to induce a sixty-five mile an hour cartwheel? No you say? Is gnawing ferociously on the steering wheel while doing my best Tickle me Elmo impersonation a bit much? How about wanting to reenact the disembowelment scene from Braveheart on a texting tailgater; is that a little incessant? Next you're gonna tell me that following someone into their neighborhood after they've cut me off is a bad thing. Is it? Lets not even talk about food shoppers who are unnecessarily nasty to cashier clerks. These pompous assholes deserve to be strapped to a shopping cart and sent hurling form the nearest rocky cliff only to plunge some thousand feet down to a fiery pit below. That would be ok, right?

Alright, enough of that........deep breath. What I'm figuring out, when I can silence the terror from within, is that people are generally not very friendly these days and could use a little jolt of reality. (The Deliverer, why not be me!) Besides, this self indulgent egotistical preoccupation with one's gadgets, wealth, and appearance is winning out over genuine concern for one another's well being and its scary. I ask you.......Do I need anger management??? Ok, maybe just a class or two.

A few years ago a progressive chick worked with me and she once said "people are becoming so self involved it's frightening, I'm going to get away from it all soon and my girlfriend and I are going to live in a yurt out west." I didn't think much of it then cuz she was always talking whacked stuff about people and the environment and the end of it all, but a light went on later that day, WHAT THE FUCK IS A YURT???!!! With much thanks to Google I found out It's a "portable, felt-covered, wood lattice-framed dwelling structure traditionally used by nomads in the steppes of Central Asia." Ok! That's gonna go over well three months deep into a harsh winter.

Anyway, that's what I thought then, but now I'm starting to think she might have been right. Just think, getting away from all the mindless gadgetry and the impersonal soullessness that walks the streets today, sounds great?

Nah,my powers are needed here. There are lots of wrong doers out there who need my ever guiding scowl of animosity and my punitive imagination to inject new life into their thoughtless souls. All I need now is a uniform, a commissioner, a signal light and a good lawyer, for I have always been and will always be an admirable councilor of cultivated behavior. Anger management?...........Heh!