Come on, it'll make ya feel good!

Oy Vey! The pressure you can put on yourself to come up with something interesting and funny for people to read is exhausting. This is the possible career path I have chosen to chase? My head feels like it's being compressed on all sides as my skull has partnered itself with me in a futile attempt to extract ideas from a brain gone dry, milking it of any and all blogger fodder. Not to mention the residual affects of said exhaustion.

Case in point, this past Thursday alone I almost needed treatment for nausea, depression, IBS, anxiety, dehydration, insomnia, typhoid, chronic fatigue syndrome and Ebola. The Tuesday before that, it was dysentery, hives, the mumps, the plague, color blindness, tampering with evidence, manipulating an imbecile, and possible alcohol poisoning.

This writing crap is taxing. A visit to the emergency room for I.V. nourishment was in fact almost necessary for I do not wish to have my immune system compromised. You see, in these trying times, without lamb's blood, we are all subject to this years onslaught of seasonal, yet monstrous illnesses.

You've caught the news lately right? The way I see it, at any moment a pyramid of dancing influenzas will be doing it's best thriller routine down my street raping and pillaging along the way, spearheaded by the mighty H1N1.

So with this in mind I'm forced to ask myself........Is this new found enjoyment of brain purging worth all the stress, cranial compression and possible flesh ripping, crotch grabbing diseases? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT IS!!!

For the first time in my life I'm letting down my guard and going with the flow. Having an outlet for me to put thoughts to words for others to laugh at, furl brow at and scratch their head at is nothing short of a gift. Sure I could have always put pen to paper but how would all of you have gotten to sample the ramblings of a literary fledgling.

See, I have an addictive personality and anyone who suffers from that knows what a pain in the tookus it can be. You are constantly grabbing for things that you think will fill the void and when you get them, you squeeze every bit of comfort you can from them, sometimes with total disregard for the intense repercussions.

Writing has become my latest addiction and is doing an incredible job as my therapist in white, allowing me to spill my guts with no expectations in return. I can over indulge myself with words and that gives me great pleasure and guess what, I won't end up in the Betty Ford Clinic for this one. Alcohol yes, words no.

Drinking on the other hand has been my on again off again therapist in black. My overly priced couch M.D. who seems a little to preoccupied with payment up front. Shoot, I even pay him on the back end from time to time. It's amazing and awfully strange that I can't just enjoy one drink every now and then for relaxation. NO! I've got to pound the sauce like I'm a frat' pledge on a mission to track down, capture and savor the greatest buzz ever recorded in modern history.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a raging alcoholic or anything like that. You won't find me whizzing for distance off my deck or launching molotov cocktails at my neighbor's house, I just really look forward to the nine o'clock, kids are in bed, Gary hour with a little to much anticipation. Now I know there are worse problems in the world today but hey, I have to play the cards I'm dealt, right?

Funny thing is, when you have an addictive personality you can latch onto anything for comfort. Alcohol today, food tomorrow, drugs next Thursday.

Ordering a pizza!!!??? Better make it two, I'm not gonna stop until my abdomen is distended beyond lethal epidermis stretch limits and God knows I may never get pizza again! What did you say? You've got a joint and are wondering if I would like a puff? Sure! Hey, by the way, do you know where I could score a hefty bag full of that stuff? I'm gonna need some to get me through the weekend. You see what I'm getting at? For God's sake I can wake up on a Tuesday and wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner next Thursday. No kidding!

So what I'm trying to figure out now is, how I'm going to abuse my writing, stripping it of the joy that it gives to me. Ahh the writing, content is questionable by some, enjoyed by others but that's really not what's important here. What is important is that I now have a new non toxic form of release and the earth is a better, safer place for it, trust me.

Now I just have to tuck the writing away, protect it and run, knowing full well there is a barrage of would be addictions out there waiting to attack with shot glasses, burger wrappers and tobacco products. They will come for me and I know full well they would like nothing more than to make me their bitch.

Oh well, no matter where I'm taken on this journey of maniacally driven literary compositions, I am enjoying myself. Whether it's right here in blogspot purgatory or in a mental hospital/rehab with a laptop and a boyfriend named Skippy who likes to scream at me while checking my head for lice that possess the blueprints that will help him destroy the home of Liza Minnelli, I'm quite comfortable knowing the door has been opened and the earth........................................SHALL BE MINE!!!! WHHOOOOAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!............................ Sorry, what I meant to say was.......The door has been opened and the rest is still unwritten??? No that's not it, I think I've heard that somewhere, have you?. I've got it! The door has been opened and let the breeze carry me........how the fuck is the breeze gonna carry me!!!??? Let me try this again. I'm quite comfortable knowing the door has been opened and whether or not I choose to venture out is completely up to me. I got news for ya, I'm dying for a challenging career change......I'm going!

I got more news for ya......I think I just got away with a blog entry that was about how I had absolutely nothing to write about. Oh well, I'm purged I can go to bed.